allies

Life isn’t a game show. But there are alliances everywhere.

I was very uncool for a lot of my life. I think it suited me, flying under the radar. In laser tag I always loved being independent. Win or lose it just felt better, being free.

How was I uncool? Because I was blissfully unaware of what I was supposed to be doing. I find knowing weirdly makes it even harder. To go against the grain. Or have an experience that can’t be measured.

Losing such an amazing friend to an overdose, and then having another close friend try to blame me for it, really put into question “alliances” for me. I regretted ever opening up the friendship.

What’s the point of a triad if one best friend turns the other against you? Is part of the appeal of a group just the high of being in one? 

I ponder all these questions right now because I am in the final interviewing stage for a reality TV show. Odds are I’ll never actually make it on this show, let alone through the first round, but of course it has me thinking. And the thinking has me writing. 

If you think about it, friendship is power. But I don’t want to be the kind of person who chooses friends for power, not in real life anyway.

To be honest, I could probably find the good in (almost) everyone. But I am fiercely loyal to the ones I decide hold space in my heart. 

And that is perhaps why I’m so hesitant to give that baton out. It’s easier a lot of the time just to run alone. 

I wish I could tell my younger uncool self that she didn’t need or truly want popularity. She needed and wanted authenticity. Some things you just gotta find out on your own. 

Where do I stand now? Befriending people can be like chess. But the truth is I only want, and have ever wanted, real friends. And I’ve got them. Happy to make more, but definitely don’t need to. I want to be done with strategic alliances unless I’m actually on a game show. Even then, I’d be very cautious.

Being uncool for so long made me want to be liked whenever possible. To use social skills as a weapon. But the truth is that’s costly too. Like a white lie, a feigned friendship can turn all-consuming. The edges blur to the point where I confuse it for reality. It stings to think someone is there for you, only for them to leave you high and dry when it actually matters. 

Of course not every connection needs to be ocean deep. But my energy is valuable, and does morph and extend to who I’m around. I can’t help it. 

Little me playing laser tag might have had some good insight after all. “Group think” can be deadly. Especially if the friendships among it are paper thin.

I write this piece to encourage myself, and others, to think about who truly has your back. Who shows up for your birthday. Who loves you for your essence, not just what you (or your body) can do for them.  

Let’s face it. Life is precious. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time for fake.