Hide and Seek

What’s the difference between narcissism and self-belief??

These days I think the line between them is more like a balance beam than a tight rope. But for a while I believed the latter, and found that to be very limiting. 

My first novel required about 1000 revisions but as of late the main ingredient missing was belief. That little old me could write a legit novel. I couldn’t imagine trying to pitch it to agents cause to be honest I didn’t think I was author material. 

But what makes anyone author material? Or engineer? Or professional chef, etc.?

Interestingly enough, the restaurant industry is what propelled me to be myself.

When I was little I used to take soccer fields by storm. Defenders were just fun pawns to get around. I wasn’t shy to score goal after goal, to run up and down the field dribbling the ball like it had a magnetic pull to my cleats. Then other kids caught up to my skill level and I started to let myself drift into the background. I didn’t want to be a ball hog. So instead I became a bad player. It took me leaving official leagues for recreational co-ed soccer to remember my love of the sport. Mostly because guys underestimated me and I was very excited to prove them wrong.

Similarly, at a new restaurant I was starting at, I didn’t want to come on too strong. So I subdued myself significantly, only to end up on the chopping block. It was only when I found out I was probably getting fired anyway that I let my true colors out. I had verbal exchanges with the tables, I moved fast, and I could basically hold and balance my weight in plates on a tray (in either hand).

I stopped walking on eggshells, and started running with my whims. And guess what? That’s what they wanted to see. 

A lot of the high school students I counsel are way cooler than I was at their age, but block themselves from showing too much, risking embarrassment. At first I emulated them, thinking that’s what it takes to be alpha. 

But I’m a millennial and don’t need to pretend I’m younger than I am just cause my looks allow me to. It doesn’t actually help me. 

A broken record won’t reach more ears

Neither does hiding from all of your fears. 

I wrote this stanza off the cusp awhile ago, thinking it was meaningless jargon that rhymed. But it resurfaces in my mind now, and I think I get it. 

Being fearless means risking, and probably achieving, failure. To get to the other side. To get to success. Ask anyone who knows me and they could probably name something wicked embarrassing they associate with me. For example, I seem to have a weird habit of getting chocolate all over my face without realizing it. 

No, it’s not ideal. But it wouldn’t be me if I ate dessert delicately, like a lady. Or if I didn’t gobble down sandwiches like they’re my last meal. If I didn’t post stories of me grooving along to whatever song matches my current vibe, no matter how idiotic I look. 

Me linda. I am beautiful as I am, not by playing hide and seek with my true nature. She can change, she can grow, but she can never be her best self by being anyone else. 

I have gone from writing really rough drafts of my books that I was impulsively proud of (and shared with too many people), to hunkering down editing and hiding my work, blushing if anyone asked what my books were about. I studied famous works, great scripts, researched grammar, attended (very) helpful writing seminars and retreats (thank you Lori Gold!), and revised to the nth degree. 

Being almost fired until I revealed myself broke the last glass wall. Once I learned and followed the rules I realized I could bend them after all. In a way that speaks to me. 

I have been getting ready to pitch my first book to publishing agents and only just started feeling very close to that milestone. I am not embarrassed to say I think my first book is now very good. As a reader I would lap it up.

This may not sound like much but for me it’s a big deal. I have a fiery spirit that for a long time now has hidden behind being the butt of a joke, being silly, youthful, crazy. 

But I am more than that. I encourage everyone reading this to think about what makes you you. And own it. 

You are a rock star! Or a blues star! Or a dancer! Or a comedian! It doesn’t matter. As long as it’s you it’s gonna be amazing. Let’s stop simmering ourselves down. Let’s boil over!

This girl is no wallflower. And I am quite certain that neither are you.